Weekly Roundup: Women’s Rights Aren’t the Only Thing Dixon is Slashing, Petition Infighting Continues, While Johnson and Rinke Gun for Michigan to Lose

With just days to go before the first Republican gubernatorial debate, here’s where things stand for the crowded field of 10.

Tudor the Vampire Player

Tudor Dixon apparently starred in some “extremely low budget” productions back in her day – a feature film (can we call it that since it’s on Amazon Prime?) in which she can be seen getting “eaten by two zombies,” and a leading 11-episode vampire stint that included some casual neck-slashing with a sword. Has anyone ever seen Tudor and garlic in the same room? Asking for a friend.

This background does add some clarity to why she felt the need to rely on voters with pulses on par with the supernatural undead in these films in order to qualify for the ballot. Speaking of…

Everyone is Still Dunking on Each Other’s Fraudulent Petitions

This crowded crop of Republicans turned up the mess this week in the hopes that James Craig, Tudor Dixon, and Perry Johnson would lose their challenges to stay on the ballot, and folks, they’re on their high horses.

Garrett Soldano identified himself as “the only frontrunner for Governor to NOT have our nominating petitions challenged” before mentioning that he was eagerly awaiting the outcome. Dixon’s adviser – who would of course like us to forget that his candidate is also under fire for dead signatures and improperly labeled petitions – simply stated that “Craig is toast.”

But the fireworks didn’t really get going until Kevin Rinke used his bus tour to blast all three on the chopping block: “The law and order guy is accused of fraud, the quality guru has poor quality, and the radio talk show host can’t figure out the year for the position that they’re running for and can’t even fill out the forms correctly.”

Spoiler, the radio talk show host took it personally, and reprised her role of going for the jugular: “Oh Kevin, belittling my business experience again? How reminiscent of your lawsuits. Next you’ll be threatening me with your “Golden C***.”  Isn’t that what you call it? Careful ladies, tigers don’t change their stripes and a pervy one is on the loose in Michigan.”

Kevin, we suggest running cool water for 10-15 minutes and then applying some ointment. 

Rinke, Dixon, and Craig Handled the News That Women and Families are Poised to Lose Long-Held Reproductive Freedoms as Delicately as You’d Expect

This week, news broke that a draft opinion from the U.S. Supreme Court spells out the argument for overturning Roe v. Wade – the chaos this would immediately cause in Michigan cannot be overstated, impacting millions of women and families.

Rather than show that he would be prepared as a leader to keep the access to reproductive freedom in place, James Craig accused folks of “overreacting” to the news that we are potentially weeks away from criminalizing victims of rape or incest and said he was “thrilled” by the prospect of banning abortion.

Not to be outdone, after being confronted by a voter with the fact that the only thing a post-Roe v. Wade would achieve is making abortion less safe, Rinke callously quipped, “There are choices that go into our lives, and there’s cause and effect, so people maybe need to consider their choices.” Simply choose to not be the target of sexual assault? We’re only upset we didn’t think of it first.

Lastly Dixon got caught baselessly claiming Planned Parenthood established a “business model” of “introduc[ing] sex” to “7th graders” so they can profit off of “plenty of abortions in high school.” What got us though was her call for businesses to “step up and support family leave” while stressing that it isn’t something she’d mandate as governor. And with that, your writer is formally putting out a call for a lawyer who can advise her on how to codify her person as corporation, seeing as those would have more autonomy than women in a Dixon administration.

More Jumped in on the Call to Gut Law Enforcement, Infrastructure, and Public Schools

Defunding everything remains in fashion for gubernatorial Republicans, especially those of the out-of-touch millionaire variety. Kevin Rinke spent the week touting his “piss-poor public policy proposal” of a tax plan that reads more like a charcuterie board of statewide self-sabotage. This backwards vision would result in billions in cuts for a whole host of critical services like public health/safety/schools, law enforcement, and the infrastructure Michigan’s economy relies on.

Once again, the used Toyota salesman “didn’t detail how he would address the budget ramifications,” only stating that the cuts “shouldn’t be too hard to find.” He’s right, cuts *are* easy, much easier than, say, having the leadership skills to protect the priorities of working families. 

Nevertheless, and with the same level of vagueness, “prolific junk faxer” Perry Johnson also called for making similar crude cuts to the services that keep Michigan running without any answer on how he’d make up the deficit.

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