From sending windex, to issuing certificates compensating for not being a licensed police officer, to giving (unheeded) warnings to stop spreading COVID-19 disinformation on YouTube or face banishment, we at MDP like to bring some order to the chaotic primary. With Halloween just a few days away, here’s some free costume advice for Michigan’s most notorious Republicans:
James Craig – The Front Man (Squid Game)
Like The Front Man, one of the main antagonists of the acclaimed K-drama ‘Squid Game,’ Republican gubernatorial candidate James Craig seems like he’s calling the shots in a game where several contestants are encouraged to sabotage each other to be the singular winner. Upon closer review however, it becomes apparent that he himself is just another pawn entangled in a rigged conspiracy orchestrated by and for wealthy insiders with seemingly unlimited funds and horrible outcomes for everyone but themselves. Greenlights are even a plot point.
Alternatively, Craig can always go as what he is every day – the Detroit Dodger. Previously a reference to how he hates answering questions (still true), the label now also applies to him dodging a carjacking while DPD chief in 2013 that he’s now trying to cover up. We went ahead and made him a jersey.
Garrett Soldano – Maxwell Lord (Wonder Woman 1984)
This may be a bit of a deep cut, since WW84 was hot garbage and those that never saw it are better for it, but we couldn’t find anything else that fits Garrett Soldano quite like main villain Maxwell Lord. Like Lord, Soldano is a charismatic snake oil salesman that employs a bunch of too-good-to-be-true promises and fear mongering in order to exponentially grow his following from nothing. We’re optimistic that there are more hurdles to Soldano’s extremism that would impact every aspect of our lives if he got his way than there were for Lord in the DC cinematic universe.
Tudor Dixon – Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter)
Between her draconian anti-choice stances that would harm Michigan women and families to the way she’s jumped in headfirst into every election 2020 conspiracy theory in order to force a paradigm shift in the way Michiganders view the democratic process, if Tudor Dixon and Dolores Umbridge existed in the same universe, we have no doubt they’d be thick as thieves. No word on how much Dixon loves cats.
Kevin Rinke – Impostor (Among Us)
Anyone that has tried their hand at or watched a Twitch stream of influencers playing Among Us knows that deception is the name of the game. A common tactic of those assigned the role of Impostor (basically, the hider) is pretending to complete tasks around the field to throw off the scent of their crewmates (the seekers). And that’s exactly what quasi-candidate Kevin Rinke has done for months – big brain pledges to self-fund, periodic comments about how weak the rest of the primary field is, and formally filing as a gubernatorial candidate…but otherwise afk (away from keyboard) not making any sensical plays. Kinda sus!
Ryan Kelley – Insurrectionist (Reality. Not a title, just the truth.)
It is Halloween, but sometimes the scariest thing you can come up with is events as they actually unfolded. In the case of gubernatorial candidate and real-life January 6th insurrectionist Ryan Kelley, there are “images showing him deep in the fray of rioters” on the U.S. Capitol grounds and footage in which appears to be heard shouting “Come on, let’s go! This is it! This is– this is war, baby!” as he advances with a mob towards the building.
Evan Space – Space Jam’s OG website, 1996
There’s barely a joke here, at least not one we wrote. We are just fascinated by the so-bad-it’s-inspired production level of Republican Evan Space’s website, countless typos and all. If the goal was to help remind those that want to learn more about his candidacy of the best 1996 had to offer in web design, Space has delivered something as elite as its Jam counterpart.
Everyone Else: Articia Bomer, Mike Brown, Austin Chenge, Ralph Rebandt, Bob Scott, and Donna Brandenburg – The Tokyo Olympics
Like the latest summer games, these candidates are actually competing in 2021, yet you wouldn’t know it by the insistence on 2020 branding. It matches the way they have remained fixated on a general election that concluded a year ago. But that distinction isn’t reserved to just these six Republicans. Between the 12 running in this crowded and divisive primary, every aspect of the crusade to undermine public trust in elections have been covered – from supporting unnecessary partisan audits and slates of anti-voter legislation to echoing conspiracy theories that Trump had a second term stolen and even manufacturing a few of their own.
