Dear Santa: What the GOP Gubernatorial Field Should Be Asking For This Christmas

When there are as many Republicans running for governor in Michigan as there are days of Christmas, you have to break down what they should be hoping to find in their stockings come Saturday. Let’s see what kind of Christmas miracle these candidates would need from Santa:

James Craig – Another Campaign Reboot

Sure, James Craig has managed to keep securing slots on chummy national cable shows – over 50 times, in fact. But he still refuses to use those opportunities to talk about Michigan-specific issues. Earlier this week, Tim Skubick pointed out that Craig “is not showing much chutzpah and frontrunner status” after flubbing the first public campaign event he’s held in months. 

And that’s just the latest misfire for the MIGOP party favorite and Detroit Dodger. He kicked off his campaign by announcing his candidacy on Tucker Carlson’s show only to messily retract the next day. Then he said he would hold a statewide “listening tour” that “apparently never materialized.” Then he got caught breaking his own promise to get certified to make arrests as Detroit police chief. Then he got caught giving paid speeches to and accepting plum board positions from yet to be disclosed entities. Then he got caught blowing nearly $1,000 a day on private security despite barely holding any campaign events. He also got exposed for being a registered Democrat for long after he’s been saying he switched parties.

While he may not be wanting a hippopotamus for Christmas, Craig is going to need a miracle roughly that size to turn around his campaign. 

Kevin Rinke – Some Empathy for Michigan Drivers

Since launching his campaign, used Toyota salesman Kevin Rinke has clearly been angling for a meeting from the Ghost of Christmas Past. It’s the only thing that explains why he’s come out as such a staunch opponent of the $400 refund checks going directly to Michigan drivers for every auto-insured vehicle in the state – the result of bipartisan auto insurance reform secured by Governor Whitmer.

In true Scrooge fashion, the out-of-touch millionaire described the reform as a “mistake” and said he would have vetoed it had he been governor. Bah humbug.

Tudor Dixon – More Floridian Horse Heiresses to Bankroll Her Totally Independent Super PAC

After putting up a third place showing in the most recent reporting period, Tudor Dixon made the “brazen” move to combine both her campaign’s direct fundraising total ($215,000) and what Michigan Strong, an aligned super PAC, managed to raise between July and October. 

Reporters noted how unusual it was for a candidate to “tout fundraising figures from a super PAC while maintaining that said super PAC Is ‘independently’ supporting her.” “West Michigan heiress” Kim Van Kampen, a prominent member of Wellington, Florida’s equestrian community, donated 100% of the $200,000 in Michigan Strong’s account. Dixon is certainly hoping her halls get decked with more wealthy donors to make promises to at the expense of Michigan families.

Garrett Soldano – A 251st Audit of the 2020 Election

According to WDIV Local 4, “there have been more than 250 audits of Michigan’s election and all of them have confirmed the 2020 Election was secure,” but that’s not going to stop election conspiracy theorist #1 Garrett Soldano from pounding his fists on the table for another one. 

Throughout the cycle, Soldano has been a mainstay at rallies all over Michigan to relitigate the election. Back in September, and in direct protest of the MIGOP’s convention on Mackinac Island, Soldano held a rally attended by thousands in Antrim County – the infamous epicenter of the baseless election fraud crusade.

Seeing as the facts won’t be changing anytime soon, we’re guessing all Soldano’s Christmases will be blue for the rest of forever.

Everyone Else – A Sliver of Daylight Between Every Other Opponent in This Crowded and Messy Primary

What else could we possibly say here? There’s 12 candidates locked in a bitter race to the right, no clear frontrunner, just 8 months to go until Michiganders vote in the primary, and a partridge in a pear tree.

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